I knew I would need a while to process the visit with our baby’s birthmother.  I wanted to allow some space between the event and this post, to make sure I could properly articulate how it felt and what I witnessed. 

Of course, as is usually the case with me, I worry far too much in advance (about most things) and 9 out of 10 times, everything turns out just fine.

That was the case with our reunion. It was actually a beautiful, joyous occasion, made easier by the fact that K, the bm, was all smiles and just…happy.  Happy to see the baby, happy to hear stories, watch her dance and clap her hands, to give her a gift…and, to hold her.  This was the one moment where I became teary.  I couldn’t hide the emotion when Mr. Speedbump first handed our girl over to K and I watched as the two of them stared at each other, and interacted.  My heart ached for K…perhaps projecting the emotion I imagine I would feel if I were a birthmother.  And my heart ached for our girl, knowing she wouldn’t remember the day but that it is the beginning of many visits with the hope that they will help her see how much she is loved.

It was truly a beautiful thing to witness K with our girl – as it was happening I realized it was our first time actually seeing them together. On placement day, we arrived and met K and her parents, we left for a few hours, she signed papers with a lawyer, said goodbye to baby girl and left, then we returned and met the baby.    

But what I want to share the most is something incredible: several times during the visit, our baby reached out for me…and when I responded and took her in my arms, she pressed her face up against mine as hard as she could, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, and held on.  It was as though she knew I needed her hugs. 

The first time it happened I was flabbergasted….this is NOT a normal action for her – it only usually happens when I greet her in the morning and lift her from her crib. She never interrupts her own play time for a little squeeze.  But on this day, in this room, in the presence of a very significant person in her life, she hugged me, at least four times, out of the blue.  And guess what? For the very first time in eight months, I felt completely secure as her mother.  She doesn’t know it, but she gave me a beautiful gift that day, and I’ll never forget it.