Dear Someday Baby,

Early this morning I was getting lots of texts from my dearest girlfriend about how “blue” she felt.  She had sick pains in her stomach.  She hated the day.  She just wasn’t right.

So imagine how surprised I was, later on in the day when I heard on my car radio that today is actually Blue Monday – the most depressing day of the year.

I chuckled, and later sent a text to my friend to let her know that apparently, she’s not the only one who is blue today.

And you know, I didn’t particularly like today either – mostly because it was a grey, drizzly Monday (not uncommon for January in Eastern Canada).   But when somebody then tells you it’s supposed to be a depressing day just based on the date (see link for highly scientific mathematical reason why today’s date is this year’s Blue Monday)…and you just automatically feel…well, sorta blechy.

But Blue Monday or not, I have bigger things to worry about.  One thing, in particular, has been on my mind a lot. 

I’m starting to wonder if we might lose our chance to parent because your incredible daddy is….er, on the older side.  There, I said it.

When it comes to age, people put a lot of emphasis on the acutal number.  40, for example, sounds way worse than 37.  And 50, well….that number is pretty much the cut off age in people’s minds, isn’t it, when it comes to becoming a new parent?

And so here we sit, still waiting, at the mercy of the social workers who decide whether or not we’ll get “our turn”.  And because it’s been 4 years of waiting, my husband, on paper, may appear to be “on the old side”…and that judgement can be made without ever meeting him.

This experience is about all of the things we can’t control – least of all is time.  It doesn’t wait.  The irony is infertility and adoption waiting can make time stretch out in front of you, in its vast unknown, making minutes feel like years…but then one day you wake up and time has vanished, and you wonder how in the world it could have passed so quickly.

I have had a favourite song about time for a few years – maybe I discovered it during an exceptionally painful stretch – I say this because it used to make me cry every time I heard it.  It’s called Time – lyrics/video are below:

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don’t go so fast
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better
I shouldn’t have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
And I’m gonna make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer
So wait for me this time

 So my question is…are we out of time?

Love,

Your Mom

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