Dear Someday Baby,

So here we are, in a new decade! It’s been a difficult couple of weeks, emotionally, although I haven’t let it show to anyone other than your daddy.  He knows that somewhere between the turkey stuffing, twinkling lights and tipping back the glass (read: bottles) of wine there’s been a pretty blue lady facing her reality.

That reality is I’ve spent the majority of the past decade – and most of my 30’s – waiting for a child.  How did two years turn into five, and then seven?

Much like doting parents marvel at how quickly their little tots grow up, I marvel at how I’ve wished away what should have been the best part of my life.  In short, a Giant Speed Bump quickly brought my dreams to a halt, and I haven’t been able to get over the hump.

But it’s important not to dwell.  I have no choice. If I wallow, it would finish me.  It’s not healthy. I have to continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.  I need to put my energy into the things I can control – the parts of my life I enjoy, and am grateful for. 

So, as much as I can’t stand resolutions, this does seem like an appropriate time to reaffirm the following things:

  • I will spend more quality time with very dear friends.  Most of my closest girlfriends now have children.  Infertility caused me to pull away from those friendships, some of which will never be repaired, but I recently discovered a few special women have stood by and waited for me, quietly, and now that I’ve opened my eyes to that fact I’m extremely grateful they are still there.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how to express my gratitude. I resented so many of them for a long time, because they were in a place I couldn’t be in.  But now, I simply feel lucky there are still standing by me, with open arms, and allowing me back into their lives.
  • I will take more pride in the work that I do.  For nearly four years now, I’ve been in a fog on the job because it hasn’t been a priority.  I have such a rewarding career right now – I work with incredible kids and families and for the first time in my life, I can see the direct impact of my work on people…it actually helps improve lives. Not many people can say that, and frankly I have to do a better job of reminding myself more often.
  • I will ramp up my commitment to fitness.  While I’ve been staying in semi-ok shape over the years, I can do better.  I have until the end of January to train for an important fitness event and I’m going to use the opportunity to “lock in” the habit of going to the gym more often, taking my workouts more seriously (normally after 10 minutes on the treadmill I’m planning my exit strategy) and remind myself to actually appreciate that I have my health and to treat my body with more respect.  This commitment also involves…gulp…less wine.  There, I said it.
  • I will work on my marriage. Perhaps this should have been higher up on the list…but truth be told it’s not easy to admit that this journey has been a rough one for your daddy and I.  When you battle infertility together, your grief and frustration often emerge in the worst ways, and at the worst times…usually when someone is most in need of a kind word or touch.  That said, our counsellor (we first met her following the miscarriage) wrote a glowing letter to our adoption case worker indicating that despite our struggles, we’ve become stronger as a couple and clearly love and respect each other.  Perhaps I should re-read that letter and refer back to it often.

And with that list, I must sign off to join your daddy for the Canada v. US World Junior Hockey Championship (Go Canada!) and hold his hand extra tight during the exciting parts.

Love you already,