Sigh…today was a great day. And then I cried. 

I have been online friends with a wonderful woman in the U.S. since at least 2003.  We met in an IVF forum, moved our correspondence over to email, and have been writing, pretty much weekly, ever since.  We’ve supported each other through SO much – and the relationship has meant – STILL means – a lot to me.

I’ve lost track of how many IVF’s she and her husband tried.  Then there was a successful FET that ended in miscarriage.  We’ve had our 4 IVF’s, and one miscarriage.  They tried donor eggs.  Being in Canada, I would LOVE to try donor eggs but the process is completely different.  So, I’ve followed their journey with DE – which was unsuccessful – with much admiration.

They turned to adoption. We are IN the adoption wait.  They have had one near adoption fall apart.  We were presented once and not selected.

Suffice to say, she and I have walked many, many miles in the same shoes….both with the same dream in our hearts.  Then about three months ago, she wrote that there was a new development – a birthmom wanted to meet them.  They met. And it was decided.  They would become the parents of this baby…maybe.

Because she has been burned before, she knew not to get her hopes up.  She has punched hope in the face, for fear it might wrap its arms around her and smother her heart, all over again.

“We’ll just wait and see what happens,” she told me.

But things weren’t changing.  They met the birthmom, who was determined.  This was going to happen.

Then, I realized yesterday, actually after reading M’s post, I hadn’t heard from my friend for more than three weeks!  So I emailed her, wishing with all my heart I’d hear back with THE news I – she – WE – have been praying for.

And it came.

Knowing one of us would “achieve” parenthood first has always been a reality – it has to be that way.  In fact, I can’t even say I always thought it would be me.   I truly always thought it would be her.  

It still doesn’t prepare you for the moment you get the news. 

My friend reported back that all is still going well.  The baby is due in early November.  And there still seems to be no indication that things are going to change.  They’ve spent some time with the birthmom, have seen pictures of her family; have taken her to a doctor’s appointment.

It’s really happening.

And I am so so so happy.  I can only describe it this way – it’s like a part of me is living this along with her.   In an instant, I felt so much JOY and RELIEF knowing one of us will soon be released from this prison.

But I would be completely untruthful if I even tried to pretend my heart isn’t aching with pain, too.  Bittersweet is not the right word – there is ZERO bitterness involved. 

I’m not sure there is a word that describes this.  Happyhurt?  Joystung? Whatever the word is – this time around, the joy DOES outweigh the pain.  And that’s a good thing.