Dear Someday Baby,

How am I supposed to widen my network so we can find you faster?  I have a new friend in blog land who has made some big steps to get her story out there in a very public way.  She’s on a national blog and has even been featured in a national newspaper – how brave!

I wish I had the courage to be public about our search.  I have known about the web site my blog friend is featured on for years now.  I have NEVER been able to muster the courage to even call the owner.  And to allow our story to be in a newspaper??  FORGET it!  I worked in the media, this is something I would find extremely difficult.

Sometimes my reluctance to go public with our search makes me wonder if I don’t want you bad enough.  But that can’t be true!  How could I want anything in the world more?  So what makes me so worried about telling the whole world we are waiting for you?

I think I am terrified of telling SOME people in the world that I am vulnerable.  The minute we go public, there will be immediate conclusions drawn about our fertility – or lack thereof.   People will pity us, ask questions and offer advice (oh please no, not the assvice).

I have always been strong.  I have always played the tough girl.  I was the tomboy. I worked in a male-dominated field, gladly.  My whole life, I wanted to be treated just like the boys…hmmm, I wonder if I adopted the stereotype that comes with that…that for boys to show weakness is, well…being a sissy.

I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m at another major hurdle – a GIANT SPEEDBUMP, if you will.  And this may be the toughest speedbump to get over, so far.

But it must be done.  Your being here is just way too overdue.

Love,

Your Mommy

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