Dear Someday Baby,

Not a great couple of days for me.  I’m struggling, you see, to hold on to the hope that you’ll be with us soon.  Hope is really all I have, and it has kept me going for so, so long.  However, today and yesterday, my heart has been creaking inside my chest.  I feel it hurting.  I am sad, and I am angry.  I am frustrated, hurting and hopeless.

I was so distraught today, I had thoughts of rushing to the paint store and buying a gallon of white for your room.  As I stood in the middle of your pretty space, I felt embarrassed and utterly alone.  I wanted the colours gone, and I pictured starting fresh with plain white walls.  This sudden change of heart scared me – although I suppose I should have seen it coming.  I was reluctant to begin preparing your room from the very start.  Until now your room has been a source of joy and inspiration.  Today, in your room, I felt just about as low as I’ve ever felt. 

Luckily, I had your Daddy there to help me – he knew it was time to get out of house and get some fresh air.  I needed to snap out of it…and fast.  I knew in my rational mind it was a beautiful day, but even in the warm sunlight I told your Daddy that the world’s colours seemed dull and grey.

Days like these are like treading water.  You know you have to do it to survive, but you get tired – no, exhausted – from the strain of holding your head up and the continuous motion of your legs and arms.  You have to keep moving.  You have no choice.  If you don’t, you will slip below the surface.  You know you can’t give up, but you can barely stay afloat, let alone keep moving.

Sometimes, the more you struggle to tread water, the harder it becomes. Sometimes you just need to stop moving, lie on your back….and float.

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