Dear Someday Baby,

One of the most prominent thoughts I have – on nearly a daily basis – involves being worried that I won’t be able to shed the person I’ve become – thanks to infertility – once I become your Mom. 

A few years back, I was the best I could be, emotionally.  Today, while I wait for you, I am not at the top of my game.   I get so tired of being sad, bitter, angry, resentful and empty sometimes.   I truly try to fight it but there are some days when I lose the battle and the negative feelings win.

Very, very often, it’s difficult to put my feelings into words.   In fact sometimes I stumble upon other blogs which say it better than I can!  Today I found one of those posts.  

I am angry for what is has done to my relationships…

I hate this part of me.

I don’t know whether you’ll ever realize this part of me ever existed – I sincerely hope you never know.   But I can’t help but wonder whether I will return to normal when you arrive.   Will all be forgotten?  Will your presence erase what came before you? 

I worry about the residue of infertility, and I hope it won’t affect you.